amplifiedmouse

I always wonder if anyone feels like me and feels so bad sometimes that you want to crawl into a hole.

I don't feel like that now, however, I do feel that I loathe the current state of the situation I'm in. (Not making any money, mainly.) Not that I don't love my job right now, I do. You kinda grow close to the people you work with after 2 and a half years when your business only has four people working there at any given time. And not that money is the only thing I care about, I think it's pretty obvious that it's one of the furthest things from my mind. I just really want so badly to not live in Indiana anymore. Three years ago in Sacramento was one of the happiest times of my life. I just felt like I belonged there. I don't know why. Maybe the fact that the weather was great, the landscape was beautiful, there were gaming cafes down the road & there was an awesome music store about two miles from where I was staying.

Although Tower Records is now out of business, it was still nice to hang out there for fifteen minutes at a time and pretend that I lived there and was shopping for my new "hip" album.

I bought The Strangest Things by Longwave. Maybe that's why I love that album a lot more than most.

After reading Chris' note on facebook it got me thinking...and basically inspired this post. I've always thought to myself, "Hey, I could be living in a third world country & not have a computer & not have food & not have all these luxuries that I have now."

But I don't live in a third world country. I live in Indiana, the fifteenth most populous state in our union.

...why we're fifteenth, I'll never know.

I've lived here all of my life. And, for most of that time, the same city. I used to have all these hopes and dreams when I was about twelve or thirteen that once I graduated high school I would move to Los Angeles. Why I chose that city, I don't know. But I knew I just wanted far away from Anderson. And that seemed like a logical choice. Any further south and you'd be in San Diego...which would be nice, too.

Then I started dating Jill and that went out the window. Then I started working at Meijer...then dated Debbie......then my mom died...then started dating Drew, at which time I was working at a movie theatre...then I worked at Sam Goody...there's like a good four or five months in between all of this that I can't recall at all. I don't know if it was just so bad that I blocked it out, or I was in this horrible place in my life. I still basically hang out with everyone who I hung out with at that time. Given that I've met new friends and some have moved to Colorado. I still love and care about them with all my heart and would try to the best of my ability to do anything for them.

I started working at Night Stalkers and that's been basically my life for the past three years. I've met some really awesome people, learned a ton of stuff working there & have had a lot of fun learning to handle huge snakes and a ten foot alligator. I would love to work with reptiles and that be my entire life. But I don't see that happening in Indiana. Mainly because too many people are afraid of these animals.

I've thought and tried many times going to school but it always seems to fail.

...let me rephrase that...

I fail at going to school. There's always something that I do to make myself not go. Then, once I've fucked that semester to hell, I say to myself, "I should go to school again. I know I can do it."

And I know that I can do it. But I get so bored of all the classes so easily. If I would have actually tried in high school, I wouldn't have to take all the classes they make you take before you can actually take what you want to take. Whoops, my bad. That whole having no one in my family that has ever gone to school past high school didn't really help me realize what I was getting myself into by not doing my homework. I know I could have talked to a counsler, but it just seemed that they wanted you out of their office before you opened your mouth. I'm sure I'll go back eventually, but I just don't know what I want to do. I've said to myself numerous times that I want to major in computer science or computer technology. Which would be great and the money would be awesome, but there's so much math involved with those and I know that I'd do very poorly at that. I'm very much not a math person. Then I realized that another time in my life when I was very happy was working at Sam Goody. Not because I was third key or because I had a little bit of power over the other employees, but because I felt like I was the most important person there...next to Lauren when she was there with me. Whenever Kalow or Justin or anyone had a question about a certain band or a certain song, they always came to me. It just seemed like I knew the answer.

"What was that John Lennon song that had 9 in the title?"
"Number 9 Dream. You can get it on the Lennon Legends album over here. It's a fantastic cd."

I loved everything about that place...not kidding either. I know we had to put up with a lot of bad music because, let's face it, bad music sells. But it was a lot of fun to go through all these cds and have a lot of it come back to you and make you say, "Wow, I forgot about this album. I need to listen to it when I get home." That and the random phone calls we would get asking for weird music and movies. My favorite being, "Do you have Phantoms with Ben Affleck?" To which I replied, "No, but I heard he was the bomb in it." "HELL YEAH, MAN!"

"Who sings 'Walkin On Sunshine'?"
"Katrina & The Waves, we don't have her cd, but the song is on an eighties collection."

The fact that whenever I go into a record store now and I see a cd that's not upright, I make sure it's facing everyone properly is a nice thing to have picked up on. After thinking a lot about it, I decided that I would really, really love to own a record store. Just like John Cusack in High Fidelity, which is on my top five of movies that I love. That was a bit of a pun since they use top five in that movie quite a bit.

I don't know where I'm really going with this. I've been writing it for about half an hour now. I was outside, Drew called me, then I came in here and started writing. I finished a song tonight. Good. Good for me. I know that there are other things I could write about, but, frankly, I don't care. I just want everyone to be happy with who they are & what they are doing.


I'm done.

The end.com